tourbraindump1

(25 minute flow timer)

january 25, 2024

tourbraindump1

it blows my mind quite often realizing that everyone on the planet is dealing with the suck of existence

yet i endlessly catch myself thinking my suck is more suck than everyone else's

i have nothing & i want everything

i have everything & i want nothing

as a kid, i got whatever i wanted

not literally

but if we were in a store & i cried hard enough for a toy, i knew i would get the toy

& this cycle of “cry, then get whatever i want” really created a void inside of me

it told me that all i had to do was whine & pout & i could get whatever i wanted

but thats not the way the real world works

instead, if i cry now, i get called a pussy

so i dont cry at all

i just whimper silently to myself

over the years, i lost my way, because i was never pushed outside of any of my comfort zones

i pushed myself a few times

but all i would need was one "bad" experience for me to use that as justification for why i belong in my comfort zone

fuck my comfort zone

although i love my comfort zone, i have to escape it at some point, right?

that’s the point of life right?

to escape your comfort zones?

to break free from the invisible cage you locked yourself inside of?

i spent the last year doing virtually nothing

i go to the climbing gym sometimes

i work on music sometimes

i hang with friends sometimes

i play shows sometimes

i hangout with the girl i'm obsessed with sometimes, which is nice

but overall, the last year has been spent deteriorating

i stopped taking adderall which definitely slowed down my forward progress

& i'll be the first to admit that it feels incredible being off of adderall, but i also can't help but feel like shit because of all the shit i havent done or accomplished or progressed at this year without my trusty adderall to help aid me in all my endeavors

i dont miss it

but i miss getting shit done

i miss feeling invincible

i miss feeling endless

adderall has been one of the only things that has allowed me to sit through the suck & see things through

because thats all that life is, right?

seeing things through?

finishing projects?

accomplishing things?

without adderall, i feel scattered

i never know what to focus on

i never see anything through

& just like that, i become nothing

i spent years trying to become something

just to turn around & become nothing once again

& to be fair, i’m being hard on myself

i’m not completely nothing, but i feel like it

& isn't that all life is?

whatever we feel?

i wish i felt more

adderall made it harder to feel things

im still trying to gain that aspect of my humanity back

i'll get it back one day, i'm sure of it

but until then, i will only cry when i've had enough

i will only weep when it deems necessary

i will only yell when i must be heard

i will only fight when its the only option left

i miss feeling invincible

i miss feeling endless

i used to feel so alive & then this world tore me to shreds

or maybe i tore myself to shreds

im trying to hold myself accountable more because thats all life is right?

holding yourself accountable?

owning up to all the shit you did or didn't do?

the sad truth is, i haven't done shit

its almost embarrassing how little i've done in my life & with my life

the internet & the television have been my longest friendships in my life & that makes me want to weep

i’m sitting alone in a hotel room in downtown chicago starring at my macbook writing these words & although they are coming from a place of sincerity, my mind is already thinking of where to post these words

cause isn’t that what life is all about, right?

how can i make a profit off of these words?

how can i get more attention with these words?

how can i make people love me with these words?

nothing is real anymore

this feels fake

i feel fake

everything feels fake

i dont even know the difference between real & fake art anymore

is there even a difference anymore?

if a boy cries to his macbook, but never posts it anywhere, does it matter?

am i only worthy if i am acknowledged?

am i only worthy if strangers on the internet say i am?

the online digital space has really fucked with my head over the course of my lifetime

its all ive ever known & i wish to know more important things

i want to know about things that matter

fuck instagram

fuck everything

life is shit & we all know it

i’m happy & depressed all at the same time

i feel everything & nothing

i hope the world knows that although i need it, i dont give a fuck if it acknowledges me

i want to be alive for the sake of being alive

not just so i can tell people i am

since forever,

sky