tourbraindump10

25 min flow timer

february 3, 2024

austin, texas

tourbraindump10

***

another day, another show

the sun is out today in austin, tx

im sitting in a coffee shop writing this tourbraindump

i just ate 3 [texas] breakfast tacos

1 bean & cheese

1 chorizo potato & egg

1 bacon egg & cheese

they were okay

edible, i would say

ive never been much of a picky eater, but i can tell the difference between good food, versus normal food

i would never complain about food

that would only be wasted energy

a good chunk of my family is coming to the show tonight

people always ask me if my family being in the crowd makes me nervous

[nothing makes me nervous]

i havent felt nervous in ages

if that answers your question

i get more excited, if anything

its an incredible feeling, performing in front of family when all they know me as is the boy at the holiday get-togethers

im such a different boy on stage

i really come alive, in a way

& thats a side of me that the family will only ever get to see of me when i'm on stage

[you gotta come to a show if u really want to get to know me, i guess]

the show tonight is the closest thing to a hometown show i'm gonna get while on this tour

although i feel the pressure to make the crowd proud, i also hope they don't let me down, as well

it's a mutual dance

it's a 2-way street

after tonights show, we have a full week off in san antonio, tx

the city that truly made me

the city that i grew up in

i cant wait to be back in my childhood bedroom

under the same roof as my mom

its the only time i feel safe

being in the same house as my mom

she only feels safe when she knows i feel safe

she makes everything better

the only woman in the world that's ever loved me

although i tend to run from it, i only want my mother's love

she's an angel

the kind of woman that would give everything for me

the kind of woman that DID give everything for me

mickey darling only exists because my mom. she took care of me all those years that i was trying to build something

[trying to build mickey darling]

all in hopes of being able to pay back the same favor & take care of her someday.

im almost there, mama

im almost there

[everyone say thank you, mom]

[THANK YOU, MOM]

***

the sun is out & im still sitting inside this coffee shop

i dont know whats gotten into me today

im acting so peculiar, in that way

being home for a week is going to confuse me & im excited for that

im going to get a week-long comfort, right in the middle of the most uncomfortable month i've ever experienced.

& then immediately dive head-first right back into the discomfort

the show must go on

tour makes you adapt

tour makes you roll with the punches

i wish i went to more fighting gyms while out on tour

i need that rough play in my life

i need to be thrown around

i need to get my ass kicked

i've always loved the idea of fighting gyms for that reason

[controlled chaos]

all the chaos in the last few weeks of tour have not felt controlled at all

just chaos

pure chaos

& there's merit to that as well

***

some of us went out dancing last night

it was 80's night at the bar we went to

it felt amazing to move my body in a place thats not the stage

i forget the importance of just dancing

growing up, i never just went out & danced

i never saw the use of it

i always correlated a bar or club with having to drink

i dont like to drink

alcohol is poison & i avoid it at all costs

i'll dip my toes every now & then

[moderation is key]

but i prefer to live a very clean, [green] lifestyle

dancing at the bar last night, not drunk, a little high, but not drunk, felt incredible

some people have existential thought-spirals while high

i do too, sometimes

but they're just thoughts

life is perspective

[your quality of life is dictated by how you react to the world]

your reaction is everything

the existential thought-spirals started creeping in last night while on the dance floor

[but i must always remember, my thoughts will endlessly ruin my life if i give them the chance to]

so i control my thoughts by acknowledging them for what they are, just thoughts

they aren't even real

they only exist & matter to me

& its that acknowledgment that gives me peace

knowing that everyone is overthinking

but its what you do with those thoughts that decide your existence

i am in control of my existence

[for now]

***

its 2pm

we have to be at the venue at 3pm

im sitting in this coffee shop & i dont want to get up

the sun is out & i dont want to get up & walk outside

im comfortable, in this moment

from the dance floor, to a coffee shop, to the stage

tour is mayhem

always changing

tour is teaching me how to adapt

tour is teaching me how to take a punch

tour is teaching me to get off my ass & run away from the comfort

[i will always be running away, from something]

[you can never run away from the running away]

[it's in my blood]

[it's in my bones]

just like the road now is

i am one with the road

the road had become my new companion & its nice to have a new friend

im finally comfortable in the discomfort & i owe everything to tour

i am eternally grateful

[for now]

***

since forever,

sky