tourbraindump11

25 min flow timer

february 4, 2024

san antonio, texas

tourbraindump11

***

it's 6:47pm

i havent had a coffee at all today

[i dont want to do this tourbraindump]

but i know [my] brain does

i got into bed last night at 4:30am

i think i got 7 hours of sleep

which im grateful for

my brain still feels fried & i am still contemplating a coffee even though it's way past my coffee time

fuck it

lifes too short

im gonna pause the timer & go make a coffee

[follow your dreams, kids]

***

okay im back

coffee break is over

i made myself an iced oat milk vanilla latte

it sounds fancy, but its very simple to make

i chugged it in my moms kitchen, while talking to nick

i love that nick & ben are staying here with me in my childhood home

it brings my new world into my old world

[planets colliding]

i cherish my alone time

i always have

but now that we've been on the road for a full month, i love the endless company

it makes it easier to justify never being alone

***

the low hanging fruit is getting lower & lower by the day

tour makes it hard for me to take care of myself

im sure it'll come with time

but i cant help but take every shortcut while on tour

***

im speaking too vague [again]

i dont mean to speak in code

my apologies

***

im sitting on a couch in my favorite room in the whole world

my childhood bedroom

the room that made me who i am

[environment is everything]

& this environment is so nostalgic & cozy, it makes me want to fucking cry

i never wanna leave this room

i could genuinely stay in this room forever

[& that's when you know you're home]

***

today is the first off-day, out of six consecutive off-days

[what should i fill my days with?]

[what do any of us fill our days with?]

i hate having to always feel like i need to be productive

fuck the system that we're born into

yes, it is the same system that made me work to get everything that i have

but its also the same system that is designed to make me feel like i'm never doing enough

[am i ever doing enough?]

***

the sun was out today & i managed to hold onto it for an hour or so

the weather was perfect in san antonio, tx today

who would've thought?

i feel alive again after chugging that iced latte

i hate feeling like im dependent on caffeine

i hate never feeling in control

[would [control] make me happy?]

***

arabella the pug is laying on the floor in front of me

she's 9 & a half years old

she's starring at me right now

she's always starring at me

i love it when she stares at me

makes me feel seen

makes me feel appreciated

we always had a dog in the house growing up

looking back now, i really appreciate that aspect of my childhood

dogs are perfect

i love cats too

i never grew up with cats in the house though

i wish i did

now in my moms house, there are:

5 cats

1 dog

1 turtle in the backyard

***

i feel like i have said nothing of substance in today's tourbraindump

maybe it's because i havent

[maybe it's because i don't care to]

i hate how i feel so bored of my own existence, because its the only existence i've ever known

the only existence i will ever know

but the rest of the world doesn't know how many goddamn animals there are in my moms house

its the little details that i always brush off & skip over

but [those little details build the whole life]

i have this odd feeling that no one could ever care about the random mundane details of my life

& maybe nobody does

but i wish i could remind myself that maybe some people do

maybe me posting these tourbraindumps can help someone else that isn't completely numb to my existence

[i am so numb to my own existence]

i would cry, but im much too numb for that

***

since forever,

sky