tourbraindump15

25 min flow timer

february 9, 2024

san antonio, texas

tourbraindump15

***

i got 8 hours of sleep last night & i am smiling again

i finally feel awake

[coffee can never give you what sleep can]

it's 5:28pm in san antonio

im on my 3rd cold brew

drinking coffee is like having sex

[it hardly ever does anything for me]

***

i miss my own depth

[where did all my dreams go?]

***

my first job was in a mall

it was at a department store called jcpenney

i worked in the [mens department] for a few months

then in the [home department] for a few months

working there was the first time i ever had a boss

i had multiple bosses there actually

a whole goddamn hierarchy

most of them liked me

a few of them hated me

i wasn't necessarily a "rule breaker", but i definitely was a "rule bender"

i always liked to push to see how far i could get away with

i hated having a boss

i hated someone being able to just make me mop the fucking floor whenever they felt like it

most of my experiences at jcpenney were good

i guess its just sort of in my head right now because ive been thinking a lot about how i haven't had a boss in a long time

[am i actually free?]

[or just in a different type of cage?]

***

the last job i ever worked before mickey darling was at a chicken-wing restaurant in texas called pluckers

i was a server

***

i believe in [speaking things into existence]

your brain is always listening to your words & it tries its best to accomplish whatever you tell it that you want

whether you know it or not

[brain is always working for you]

***

while i was working at that chicken-wing restaurant called pluckers, i had one very specific conversation that changed my life

i randomly turned to my coworker named [derrian] & out of nowhere i said "derrian, i don't know how, but this is the last job im ever going to work. this is the last time i'm  ever gonna have a boss"

a week or so later, i quit

that was the last job i ever worked

that was the last time i ever had a boss

i dont know how

i dont know why

but brain does

& thats enough for me

[thank you, brain]

***

the houston show is tomorrow

im excited to swim in the chaos, once again

ive missed the noise

the week off has been much needed

but im ready to get back on the road

[the road misses me]

[i can practically hear it begging]

here i come, sweetheart

here i come

***

what is the job of [the artist]?

when do you clock in?

[how do you clock in?]

[my] brain craves direction & i think what i need is some sort of [artistic boss]

[an art teacher, perhaps]

[i miss being told to mop the fucking floors]

[the creative director that wants to be creatively directed]

[the creator that needs to be told what to create]

art is so abstract

art is so daunting

art is also bullshit, yet im terrified of it

what the fuck am i even scared of?

[the pressure we create for ourselves is suffocating]

***

i love doing these tourbraindumps cause it helps me see [the repetition in my thoughts]

[it lets [my] brain finally take a look in the mirror]

i feel like i sometimes sound sadder than i actually am

i dont mean to sound sad

im not sad

[im just existing]

[a brain having a human experience]

to understand anything that is going on is all im after

i know nothing

everything ive ever learned, i dont remember

[where did all my experiences go?]

[where did all my knowledge go?]

***

my experiences & perspectives are all i'll ever have

it's the only leverage i got

i keep thinking no one gives a fuck, when maybe everyone gives a fuck

they're just not paying attention

[if no one is paying attention, then what the fuck am i so scared of?]

***

since forever,

sky