tourbraindump18
25 min flow timer
february 14, 2024
oklahoma city to los angeles
tourbraindump18
***
only 2 more drives left
2 days of driving, then mickey darling's first ever [official tour] is officially over
it's wednesday
[valentine's day]
we have a 12 hour drive to flagstaff
we've been in the van for 45 minutes or so
the last show is in los angeles at a venue called [the fonda]
it's this friday
im excited, but sad
i dont want the roadtrip to end
field trips were always my favorite part of school
& being on tour feels like a month-long field trip with your friends
[real life is real]
[real life is worth it]
***
im excited for more tours to come
getting to explore little pockets of cities every other day has become an addicting experience
[collecting memories]
[a byproduct of tour]
i feel proud of myself for powering through the tour
i've quit almost everything i've ever tried in my life except for a handful of things
& i'm glad i didn't give up on tour
im glad i saw it through
the first few weeks were miserable
i was just [endlessly in my head]
[too scared to participate]
but now
almost 6 weeks into tour
i am laughing
i am smiling
i am cracking jokes
i am making small talk
with friends & strangers
i [finally] remember the importance of being human
it feels good to be alive, again
[embrace humanity, sky]
***
i love thinking about [my] brain
i only really started thinking about [my] brain a few months ago
if i am a computer, i am finally rebooting
if i am a computer, i am finally getting my software update
***
my voice is my superpower
[communication] is a wildly interesting topic to me, lately
im finally appreciating the art of being able to communicate my thoughts out loud
instead of holding everything in
[fuck being a people pleaser, sky]
[brain needs self-expression too]
[you can't grow in the dark, sky]
i never learned how to speak up when i was younger
i assume, i got brushed off enough times by family & friends that it tricked [my] brain into thinking my thoughts were unworthy
***
when i was in the 8th grade i got my first xbox360
i became obsessed with it for 1 year
[1 full calendar year]
all i did was go to school & play modern warfare 2
it was a form of community
thats where all my friends were hanging out
[online in a digital world]
so i followed the tribe
i was online any chance i could get
my brain craved [rough play & adventure] & it found it in modern warfare 2
i stared at the tv until all of my social skills completely evaporated
[as if they were never even there to begin with]
after 1 year of endless screen time, i forgot how to speak to other humans
[other brains]
[modern warfare 2 broke my brain]
[i broke my brain]
i remember being 14 & realizing i couldn't have a conversation with anyone anymore because of all the digital living i was doing
[digitally existing]
conversation felt impossible at the time
i became so incredibly insecure
much too self-aware for a 14 year old
[i was just a kid, after all]
i remember being 14 & having my social skills break my heart
the world already felt so lonely
& now i wasn't able to talk to anyone because of some bullshit self-inflicted social awkwardness
[i didn't know how to think, anymore]
[what do you do when you forget how to think?]
even back then, i remember thinking about the importance of communication
i remember seeing my dad being heartbroken from the lack of life in my eyes
i felt so empty all the time
but i also didn't know how to say that either
i got rid of my xbox360 when i was 15
it took me roughly 3 years to gain those social skills back
i feel lucky to have dug myself out of that hole
nowadays, i can hold my own [socially]
but i still feel like that kid sometimes
it feels like im still chasing better social skills
i want [to want] to participate
i miss that community
6 friends sitting in a xbox live group chat
[digitally burning out]
[what could go wrong?]
being on tour feels like a real life xbox live group chat
it feels good to be back
tour is ending &
im gonna miss the social skills
tour is ending &
im gonna miss the community
***
[every second counts]
[smile more, sky]
[use more facial expressions]
[life is too short to be BLAND]
[go on more runs]
[make peace between left & right brain]
[art is an illusion]
[so just have fun]
***
since forever,
sky


Sometimes I read your []’s in whispers 🤭