tourbraindump18

25 min flow timer

february 14, 2024

oklahoma city to los angeles

tourbraindump18

***

only 2 more drives left

2 days of driving, then mickey darling's first ever [official tour] is officially over

it's wednesday

[valentine's day]

we have a 12 hour drive to flagstaff

we've been in the van for 45 minutes or so

the last show is in los angeles at a venue called [the fonda]

it's this friday

im excited, but sad

i dont want the roadtrip to end

field trips were always my favorite part of school

& being on tour feels like a month-long field trip with your friends

[real life is real]

[real life is worth it]

***

im excited for more tours to come

getting to explore little pockets of cities every other day has become an addicting experience

[collecting memories]

[a byproduct of tour]

i feel proud of myself for powering through the tour

i've quit almost everything i've ever tried in my life except for a handful of things

& i'm glad i didn't give up on tour

im glad i saw it through

the first few weeks were miserable

i was just [endlessly in my head]

[too scared to participate]

but now

almost 6 weeks into tour

i am laughing

i am smiling

i am cracking jokes

i am making small talk

with friends & strangers

i [finally] remember the importance of being human

it feels good to be alive, again

[embrace humanity, sky]

***

i love thinking about [my] brain

i only really started thinking about [my] brain a few months ago

if i am a computer, i am finally rebooting

if i am a computer, i am finally getting my software update

***

my voice is my superpower

[communication] is a wildly interesting topic to me, lately

im finally appreciating the art of being able to communicate my thoughts out loud

instead of holding everything in

[fuck being a people pleaser, sky]

[brain needs self-expression too]
[you can't grow in the dark, sky]

i never learned how to speak up when i was younger

i assume, i got brushed off enough times by family & friends that it tricked [my] brain into thinking my thoughts were unworthy

***

when i was in the 8th grade i got my first xbox360

i became obsessed with it for 1 year

[1 full calendar year]

all i did was go to school & play modern warfare 2

it was a form of community

thats where all my friends were hanging out

[online in a digital world]

so i followed the tribe

i was online any chance i could get

my brain craved [rough play & adventure] & it found it in modern warfare 2

i stared at the tv until all of my social skills completely evaporated

[as if they were never even there to begin with]

after 1 year of endless screen time, i forgot how to speak to other humans

[other brains]

[modern warfare 2 broke my brain]

[i broke my brain]

i remember being 14 & realizing i couldn't have a conversation with anyone anymore because of all the digital living i was doing

[digitally existing]

conversation felt impossible at the time

i became so incredibly insecure

much too self-aware for a 14 year old

[i was just a kid, after all]

i remember being 14 & having my social skills break my heart

the world already felt so lonely

& now i wasn't able to talk to anyone because of some bullshit self-inflicted social awkwardness

[i didn't know how to think, anymore]

[what do you do when you forget how to think?]

even back then, i remember thinking about the importance of communication

i remember seeing my dad being heartbroken from the lack of life in my eyes

i felt so empty all the time

but i also didn't know how to say that either

i got rid of my xbox360 when i was 15

it took me roughly 3 years to gain those social skills back

i feel lucky to have dug myself out of that hole

nowadays, i can hold my own [socially]

but i still feel like that kid sometimes

it feels like im still chasing better social skills

i want [to want] to participate

i miss that community

6 friends sitting in a xbox live group chat

[digitally burning out]

[what could go wrong?]

being on tour feels like a real life xbox live group chat

it feels good to be back

tour is ending &

im gonna miss the social skills

tour is ending &

im gonna miss the community

***

[every second counts]

[smile more, sky]

[use more facial expressions]

[life is too short to be BLAND]

[go on more runs]

[make peace between left & right brain]

[art is an illusion]

[so just have fun]

***

since forever,

sky