tourbraindump2

25 min flow timer

january 27, 2024

tourbraindump2

the days are all turning into one big blur

this is my first time on tour

sitting in a bus

playing a show every other night

& i am exhausted

i didn't anticipate how stimulated my brain would be for a month

i grew up sitting in a room by myself, with only my thoughts to keep me company

but life is not an algorithm

i can't always choose what i want to experience

i have no say while on the road

the show must go on

i want to sleep

but the show must go on

here i am on the bus again

typing these words on the way to detroit

the show tonight is sold out

i feel this immense pressure to give everyone a good show because they're paying money to see a good show

no matter what happens in the show, i realize i'll never feel like i gave them a good show

what even dictates a show being a good show?

is it how much i jump on stage?

is it how much any given individual jumps?

is it the banter in-between the songs?

our manager texted me the other night after the chicago show

"everyone loves you except you"

i tensed up when i read it

i cant understand a world in which everyone loves me

i dont want to live in that world

am i in the wrong for not loving me?

should i be blindly loving me?

do i deserve my love?

have i earned it?

im my own worst critic & i love & hate that

i want to stop caring

about everything

but i care so much that i get overwhelmed & then proceed to not care about anything either way

im caught in a feedback loop of my own creation

life really isn't that deep

but i think i'm always trying to make it that deep

maybe it makes me feel like i have more purpose

maybe it gives me a reason to feel something

i've spent the last 15 years dreaming about being a rockstar

& being on tour has shown me that rockstars don't exist

only silly humans putting on silly shows

life is theatre

everyone is performing

i used to think people would go to the shows to see a performance

but now i think people go to the shows so they can perform

i like this way of thinking cause it takes some of the weight off of my shoulders

the pressure we create for ourselves is suffocating

i want to enjoy tour, but i'm tormented by wanting everyone to have a good time that its hard to enjoy myself

im sure it will come with more time & experience & practice

but for now

i feel like a puppy on stage

so lost

still trying to figure out how i belong in the whole picture of the performance

i just wanna be in the crowd

all the eyes can be exhausting

i just want to sleep

i miss my room & the days of never having to be anywhere

tour is weird

endless highs & endless lows

im getting motion sickness from the month-long rollercoaster ride

when i was a kid, i used to go to the local six flags in my town all summer long

& i remember being eternally excited about the rides

& on one occasion, i remember there being literally no line at all for one of the most popular rollercoasters

it must have been a weekday

& since there were no people in line, the ride attendant just let us stay on the ride & kept sending us through again & again

it was so exciting at first

i never wanted the high to end

but after the 5th time

the ride became its own purgatory

what was once so amazing & thrilling, was now nauseating & overwhelming

that feels like tour

you wanna go go go

but then you actually go go go

& the ride that once excited you now exhausts you

i haven't spoken to my family

i haven't spoken to anyone really

life is what you make of it

but its all moving so fast i dont know what to make of it

it feels like i dont have the time to make much out of anything

i am enduring my own existence

i want to sleep

but the show must go on

i want to curl up in a ball for the rest of 2024

but the show must go on

i want to sit in the sun & forget about work

but the show must go on

i feel lost & empty

but the show must go on

im scared of dying on tour

but the show must go on

im scared of dying with all my work still inside of me

but the show must go on

im terrified that i might never get off this rollercoaster

but as they say

the show must go on

since forever,

sky