tourbraindump3
25 min flow timer
january 28, 2024
tourbraindump3
my diet on tour consists of coffee, water, dark chocolate covered espresso beans, & blueberries
& the endless pizza, of course
i've never been too much of a fan of pizza
but now it seems to be all we eat
i don't mind it, though
it makes me feel like a kid again
as a kid, i would only order chicken tenders & french fries from every restaurant
i miss that kind of purity
that kind of innocence
the days when your world is so small, all you could ever comprehend is eating the same, comfortable meal, over & over again
no questions about it
that one meal is enough
but then once you get exposed to the world some more, one meal just isn't enough
one meal just doesn't cut it
why would u keep having the same thing when everything exists
i need variety
i wish i could live in simpler ways
like the kid me
was the younger me happier because of the minuscule amount of choices he gave himself
his world seems small but maybe small is good
maybe less is more
i wear the same outfit everyday
i don't like too many choices in that regard
i brought one outfit for a 5 week tour
i shower every morning, but i would also like to shower every night as well
i just dont make an effort
i don't have it in me
the only time i move my body is when im on stage
my body feels stiff
like im a fucking piece of cardboard
everything hurts yet i feel nothing
the only sense of purpose i feel is writing these tourbraindumps
it feels like the only way to get people to listen
everybody talks too much
but nobody listens
& what is anybody even talking about, anyway?
i could go months without saying a word & i don't know if thats a good or bad thing
about a decade ago, i used to use twitter as a sort of diary where i would just say all the random shit that i thought about
assuming that people gave a shit
but nobody did
nobody ever does
& thats okay
i like it better that way
i stopped tweeting all my thoughts at some point, & after that, i stopped saying all my thoughts out loud as well
i always carry around multiple journals
if i really need to say something, i write it in there
nobody pretends to care in that journal
its just pen & paper
nobody is waiting for me to finish speaking so they can say whatever it is that they want to say
everybody is so eager to be heard
yet they never have anything to say
conversation is hard to come by nowadays
nobody knows what to talk about so they talk about nothing
my brain is having a hard time adjusting to a world in which everyone is talking but no one is saying anything
i took 1 semester of college before i never went back
i was majoring in english
i wanted to be a teacher
a piece of me still does
maybe if i could get a classroom to listen, then everything would be alright
i've been thinking about going back to school a lot lately
i want to learn more
i feel like a fake
i want to be seen as an intellectual
yet i have nothing of value to add to any conversation
is it me or the world?
who do i turn to when everyone is starring at their phones
i feel alone in the real world because i refuse to live in the digital one
its so quiet out here
where did everybody go?
i feel like im surviving a zombie apocalypse
nobody talks out here in the real world
vulnerability doesn't even feel like an option
& that eats me alive
how do you convince the world to look up?
how do you convince the world to look around?
to say something meaningful?
to stop talking in tiktok references?
the internet is an incredibly vast landscape
but so is the world
I want to live a real life in the real world but i'm scared of living in it alone
people's attention spans are fucked
my attention span is fucked
im scared of being in a room alone & im scared of being in a room full of people
i don't feel safe anywhere
am i supposed to feel safe?
is safety just an illusion?
if i was born to die then what kind of safety am i chasing after, exactly?
i dont even think i really want the things that i think i want
i think i only want what i dont have
which is everything
my brain is a prediction machine & it never wants to grow up
but thats where i get confused
because although it sounds amazing to never grow up
i want to fucking grow up
i need to grow up
im acting like the fucking chicken tender & fry kid from 2 decades ago
i dont know what im doing 96% of the time
& i'm winging it the remaining 4%
i havent ordered chicken tenders & fries from a restaurant since i can remember
& i wonder if maybe that kind of simple innocence would make me feel a little more safe
or maybe i should stand up from the table & run until my feet give out
i wanna say i wish i was still that kid
but i think that kid would be fucking heartbroken if he found out i was still acting like him
how can you let down someone that doesn't even exist anymore?
why am i trying to make that kid proud?
he would never want me to give a fuck about him
he would want me to move the fuck on with my life & stop ordering the fucking chicken strips & french fries
so i guess that's what i'll do
since forever,
sky
I’ve been loving these tour dumps, because I feel like a lot of people can relate to you. Most people do listen to respond rather than listening to actually listen. I honestly didn’t learn about active listening ,and how to do it until it came up in one of my communications classes in college. It shook me because it made me realize I’ve only ever listened to respond up until that point. I feel like most people don’t even know what active listening is just like I didn’t. With that being said, I think going back to school can be a really great thing. I think when we stop learning, we get sad. I think humans are meant to learn and keep learning throughout life. It gives us a sense of purpose and makes us overall better people in society. You don’t need school to learn new things, but if you’ve been considering it then you should. Lastly I just want to say is that you’re doing your best. You’re putting on great shows, all while dealing with your own demons. All anyone can ask is for you to try your best, and that looks different everyday. You are seen, you are heard, and you are appreciated. Sending lots of love and happiness your way <3
i can totally relate about having a thought that needs to get out but you cant say it. instead of writing it though, i draw or paint in a notebook with watercolor pages. i use a lot of reds, blacks, greys, browns, purples. i hope that if someone were to ever randomly look in my notebook, they'd be able to tell exactly how i am feeling. i don't know if that's possible because when i showed my art to someone, there was just shock and concern. i don't want my vent art to be taken as a call for help. i want it to be considered and appreciated and maybe someone could relate to it.
but that is neither here nor there. i'm glad journaling is helpful to you, like painting is to me