tourbraindump4

25 min flow timer

january 29, 2024

tourbraindump4

i haven't touched the sun in 3 weeks

if im a plant, then i am withering away

all my leaves are giving way to gravity

the parts of me that matter most are all dying

am i being reborn, or just disintegrating?

life feels strange without the sun

if i was religious, i'd imagine it would feel equivalent to not talking to god for 3 weeks.

where did the sun go?

where did god go?

the sky is always grey nowadays & for the first time in my life, i miss california

i hate how los angeles feels like a sort of eternal groundhog's day

the same day over & over again

a perfectly clear sky will always set me right.

but now being away from the sun for so long, i miss the repetition of los angeles' eerily similar days

my skin feels desperate for stimulation

the only time i get any form of physical human contact is when the fans hug me after the shows

i don't think they know how much i need those hugs

i dont think i know how much i need those hugs

we have an off day today, so we're going to a music studio in chicago

i've never spent any time in a proper music studio before

only ever made music in mine or austin's bedroom

going to a studio feels like growing up.

like we're finally entering high school

like we're taking a necessary step in the right direction

like we're evolving

but the idea of music studios also intimidate me

when i was younger, around 7 or 8 years old

i was the best player on my basketball team.

which doesn't say much because everyone else on the team could barely dribble the fucking ball

but i remember feeling the difference when i was practicing basketball outside the front of my house by myself

versus when i was on a full sized court with a team

i crumbled under the pressure of the full sized court

it was the first time i sort of became self aware to some degree

i intrinsically understood that whatever i did directly impacted & affected my team

i didn't want to be a ball-hog

i didn't want to miss a shot & have the team be upset at me

even though i was the only one that could even kind of make a basket

i was put at a crossroads in those years

i could either have understood that my team needed me or i could let the pressure of the team environment destroy me

it destroyed me

i think even back then, i never allowed myself the freedom to miss shots

to just try

i was so scared of failing that i inevitably forced myself to fail

& that mentality really ruined the next 2 decades that were to come

the same 2 decades that i just endured

going to a real music studio today feels a lot like that same crossroads

im scared i'm going to fold under the pressure

its really not that deep

its just making silly fucking sounds in a room

it could be much worse

the stakes could be much higher

but i feel like in order to grow, i need to understand that its okay to miss shots

as long as you take them

thats all that matters, right?

that's what life is about, right?

i want to take my own advice & not be afraid of failing

but failing is fucking terrifying

my lack of life experience is really fucking with my head

i need to be punched in the face

i need a reality check

i'm spending too much mental bandwidth on the wrong things

im so scared of failing that i don't even try in the first place

what am i scared of, exactly?

am i always going to be scared?

am i ever going to shoot the fucking ball into the basket?

shoot now & worry about the outcome later.

during that basketball season, all those years ago, i ended up just endlessly passing the ball to a teammate everytime i got my hands on the ball

i was so scared of missing a shot & being judged by my teammates & letting them down, that i ended up letting them down even more

& maybe thats the grand idea of all this

you only let people down by not trying your best

you only let yourself down when you hold back from giving all your potential

i know my basketball team never thinks of that season & thinks of me letting them down

but if any of them ever read this, im sorry

i know i could have been better for all of you.

i let my thoughts get the best of me

i remember my dad being pissed at the fact that i wouldn't shoot the god damn ball

he knew i could make the shots

he knew i had more in me than i was willingly to admit

he always saw something in me even when i didn't

& for that, i'm sorry as well

im trying to get better at understanding that i have more inside me

im still scared of shooting the ball & missing

im still scared of making music anywhere that isn't mine or austin's bedroom

but i'm also fucking sick of letting everyone down by not being the best me that i can

basketball & music are the same

you either shoot the shots or you don't

either way, you pay the consequences of whatever action you choose

in 2 decades from now, if future sky ever gets to read this,

i hope you didn't let your fucking team down again

i hope you shot the god damn ball

since forever,

sky