tourbraindump5

25 min flow timer

january 30, 2024

tourbraindump5

why is it scary writing my thoughts to the internet?

theres an obvious pressure to seem smart or to keep it interesting

i understand the idea of trying to make something quality over quantity

but what about when u switch the rules?

[my] brain needs to learn how to rewire when this writing task at hand becomes an everyday thing

i realized a few minutes before writing this that these tourbraindumps are in a way like me putting myself back in school

me giving myself a daily assisgnment

it makes me hold myself accountable

it makes me show up

it makes me try

it's 12:08am right now

i have 20 minutes & 36 seconds left on the flow timer

i was quite the slacker in high school

i never did any homework

& i regret that

i didn't appreciate the idea of puzzles & assignments enough

i wish i didn't take [my] brain for granted so much back then

everything is [braingames]

it took me my whole life to understand that

[participation is the key]

if you can manage to just simply fucking participate in your own life, then you endlessly sharpen

but now, already, by tourbraindump5, i slowly start to feel the weird pressure seep into [my] brain

like, can i fucking just enjoy something?

must [my] brain take everything so serious?

it sucks the fun out of every single thing i start

i don't want to care about outside pressures

i don't want to care about outside world

but i do want to participate in it

i do want to exist in it

in order to sharpen, i must exist

i must participate

am i gonna be in my head forever?

is that the big cosmic joke of being human?

i dont even like calling us humans

i like [brains] more

we're just [brains with bodies]

we're like a macbook if it had arms & legs.

its strange that all the overthinking i've ever done has never gotten me anywhere

why do i continue overthinking if i know its statistically never done any good for me

its all just wasted brain energy

the 25 minute flow timer already becomes its own purgatory in a way

what was once a quick little write-window becomes a daunting task you have to suddenly fill

im not sure if this part is making sense

but thats okay because i only have 5 minutes & 46 seconds on the flow timer left

***

im still that same slacker that i was back in high school

im not proud of that

sometimes i feel upset that my parents werent harder on me

but they tried their best

i can't blame them for that

but it does make me sad thinking about how little i was forced to sharpen my brain as a kid

i was a kid, after all

but now i feel like a kid that never learned how to sit down & exist in a piece of time & space without any thought of the outside world

im always thinking about the outside world

never existing in it though

it always feels like i have each foot in a different room

never getting to enjoy either room

maybe 7 years ago, i was at a restaurant called 'magic time machine' for a family birthday dinner for one of my nieces

& my aunt said something along the lines of "you're changing the channel so fast, you never get to watch anything"

you were right auntee

i wanna stop changing the channel so fast

i wanna focus on something

i finally wanna do my homework

since forever,

sky