tourbraindump6

25 min flow timer

january 30, 2024

indianapolis, indiana

tourbraindump6

im in the bus again

we're on the way to another packed show tonight

only one more show till we're back in the motherland

till we're back in texas

im excited to see my family

i dislike the idea of my family growing up without me

i dislike the idea of growing up without my family

i grew up eating every dinner in front of tv

we didn't have much structure or tradition when it came to eating meals as a family at the dinner table

i wonder what we would have talked about

i wonder if we would have talked about anything

perhaps we never ate together at the dinner table because there wasn't anything worth talking about

i had a girlfriend a few years ago

her family regularly ate together at the dinner table.

they talked.

about nothing in particular.

but they talked, nonetheless.

now that i have grown, i see the value of keeping in touch with family

im still horrible at it

but i see the value of it

im horrible at keeping in touch with anyone, really

i would say i try my best, but i don't even make a fucking attempt

i have faded out of everyone's lives, that i was once apart of

my brother & i dont speak much

he's 9 years older than me

i used to look up to him when i was little

a few years ago we were at an arcade place called 'dave & busters' & we got into a short-lived screaming match

the argument couldn't have been longer than a minute or 2

but after that minute or 2, we didn't speak for years

from brothers, to enemies, to strangers.

there's no bad blood anymore

but we still don't talk much

a year or so ago, i forgot that i even had a brother at all

because thats what time does

it makes you forget

it forces you to continue you on.

i'm the baby of all my siblings

& they never let me forget it

i feel like the family tiptoes around me.

never wanting to upset the baby

i didn't ask to be born

i just was

& i'm grateful that i was

i enjoy life

but i can't help but feel like i would enjoy life much more had i had a better relationship with my family

my mom doesn't call me cause she says she doesn't want to bother me

& i don't know how to tell her that all i want is a fucking call from my mom

i've existed in such a self-fulfilling way that i've somehow managed to make my own mother feel like she's a burden to me

what kind of fucked up existence have i been living?

i've just recently started building a better relationship with my dad

we play chess together

he beats my ass everytime

i love it

i only recently started smoking weed regularly within the last year

weed gave me empathy

thats the only way i can explain it

weed allowed me to look at my life not from my perspective, but the world's perspective.

it made me aware of the fact that i have been shit & that i can do better

that i can care for the people that cared for me

the people that at one point, gave me all their time

the people that gave up their time to help me navigate mine better

& now i can't even answer when they call

& eventually, inevitably, the calls stop coming

i can't blame anyone but myself

if i am the captain of my ship, then i feel like the titanic

i've pushed everyone in my life away.

maybe its all a part of growing up

or maybe i really am just the buzzkill

i used to think so highly of myself

a little too highly, if you ask me

& now the roles have reversed

i've done a complete 180*

i dont know how to see myself from an outside perspective

i wish i could

i wish i could see what my family sees

i wish i could see what the fans see

i wish i knew what my brother thought about me

i'm much too afraid to ask him, though

i'm not too sure i would like the answer

but maybe thats what i need

maybe i need my big brother to tell me to get the fuck off my high horse

maybe i need my big sisters to remind me that i used to be that little fucking dweeb they used to be able to pin down & pick on

i need my sisters to remind that i'm still that little fucking dweeb

i hate growing up because i get further away from who i once was

i wish my mom would call me a fucking loser

i wish my dad would tell me how much more i could be doing with my life

i wish my aunt would tell me to stop being such a pussy

i wish my grandmas were still alive

if the family had any sense of glue, it was the grandmas

but they're gone

& now so is the family, it feels

i dislike the idea of my family growing up without me

i dislike the idea of growing up without my family

but yet here i am

on a bus, on the way to indianapolis for a show & i can't bring myself to call my dad

i can't bring myself to call mom

i wish i could call my big brother

my big sisters have their own lives to worry about

if family is all i have, then why am i terrified of them?

im tired of eating dinner in front of the tv.

i would like a home-cooked meal with a family that tells me what i need to hear.

a family that calls me out on my bullshit.

a family that loves me so much they would never lie & say i'm great

since forever,

sky