tourbraindump7

25 min flow timer

january 31, 2024

indianapolis to dallas

tourbraindump7

***

when i think back on my life i feel like i only think of the same handful of memories

where did all my experiences go?

the heartbreaks were never as deep as i was making them out to be

i love that aspect of growing up

you learn through experience

the heartbreaks all felt so real, because they were

i always feel the need to rush through everything

but i also somehow feel patient, as well.

[present, while also never really being there]

i not only rush through the relationship

i also rush through the heartbreak

never soaking in anything, really

i dont know who i am because i never take the time to look back & observe my own life.

if i won't analyze my own life, who the fuck will?

do you ever feel like you're pretending?

i used to make youtube videos

i always felt like whenever i was on camera, i was pretending

i feel like i acted so much on camera, that little bits & pieces of me actually got lost inside the character i was playing

i never fully broke character again, i suppose

am i supposed to analyze myself so deeply?

am i supposed to pay such close attention?

it would only make sense to pay attention, wouldn't it?

what am i supposed to be thinking about, exactly?

i feel numb because i never know what to think about

i never know what im supposed to be doing because i wanna be doing everything

& also nothing

[a creator that hates his own creations]

a fragmented asshole that loves voicing all his opinions

i think im trying too hard to be poetic & mysterious & vague right now

i dislike that

when i start talking in code is when i start performing

i don’t want to perform

i’m always subconsciously trying to show off how fucking smart i am

but im not that smart

thats why [my] brain feels the endless need to sound smarter than it actually is

the show last night was fun

im starting to care less about the outcome, which really allows me to enjoy it much more

it almost feels like im on autopilot

where [my] brain is free to think of other things all while being completely present & aware

i can think about the outfits that the crowd is wearing

i can think about the eyes & how some look lost & some look full & some look pure & some look empty

i can think about what i want to eat after the show

its such a rush of flow

thinking so many things at once

the mental juggling feels effortless

it feels human

all while singing words & dancing & getting to have incredibly intimate moments with people that are feeling things to what initially was my experience

the songs become theirs

my experience has become their experience

& its incredible to witness

the transferring of experiences

my memories becoming their memories

my emotions are now their emotions

i love seeing people have a good time

joy is so contagious

it's so raw

being in a room full of lost little creatures all connecting over something that didn't start as theirs, but became theirs

its intoxicating

we went to a dive bar after the show to get some food

i ordered chicken tenders & curly fries

just for nostalgic purposes, if im being completely honest

& a slice of pizza too

i would never eat like this in my regular life

but tour changes people

for the better & for the worse

i love the endless dance

the food was good

i wouldn't eat there again, but it was good for 1:30am dive bar food in indianapolis

something about tour makes me want to remember everything

it makes me want to try & understand that these experiences are all i have

the same experiences that feel stolen from me

they're still there

theyre still intact

they're still mine

i just gotta find them

[i can endlessly want more, but i finally dont]

since forever,

sky