tourbraindump8

25 min flow timer

february 1, 2024

dallas, texas

tourbraindump8

***

i finally touched the sun today

i woke up in a dark hotel room & when i opened the curtain, i felt a rush of ecstasy

i couldn't believe the sun was out & there weren't any clouds in the sky

its moments like this that i miss texas

its moments like this that make me love tour

i stood out in the sun with 2 friends for an hour & a half

it was the best hour & a half of the whole tour

the sun feels better than any cup of coffee

it woke me right up

it rejuvinated me

it made me feel alive again

[growing up, i always took the sun for granted]

i never went outside.

why did i think sitting in my room was the route to happiness?

how could i have been so foolish?

we just got done with soundcheck

this is the first time im doing a tourbraindump from inside the venue

we're in dallas

gonna be another hot packed room tonight

im in love with the hot packed rooms

they've grown more & more on me in the past few weeks

i love being the sweatiest person in the room

if anyone in the crowd is ever sweatier than me, i know they fucking care

its a wonderful thing to witness

someone letting out all their frustrations in a warm room full of warm strangers

i hope everyone in the crowd knows nobody is looking at them

i used to always feel so insecure in a crowd

i always thought everyone was looking at me & judging me

when in reality no one even knew i was there

no one ever knows im there

i love the anonymous feeling of being in a crowd

being electrified by the crowds energy

getting lost in something that isn't a timeline on a phone

the real world is real

the real world also makes me feel like an npc.

people are so fascinating

everyone existing all at the same time

the next 3 shows are all in texas

dallas

austin

houston

the tour is flying by

time isn't even real, but i love paying attention to it

i've spent so much time wasting time, that being on tour finally makes me feel like im actually living a real fucking life

even the smallest moments are still moments

everything becomes something

everything is happening, whether for a reason or not

i never take the sun for granted anymore

i dont wanna take my life for granted

i dont wanna ignore time for the sake of feeling free

whether you look at the clock or not, it's still ticking

& thats also what tour feels like

whether you enjoy it or not, you're still stuck in it

[might as well enjoy where you are, right?]

doing these tourbraindumps have really freed me from my mind

it takes all the bullshit spew that goes on in [my] brain & makes it make a little more sense

i keep rereading all these tourbraindumps

it almost acts as a timeline for me, in a way

i never look at a timeline, anymore

i never check peoples stories

i almost never respond to dms

im scared of social media & all the time its stolen from me

we're in an industry where we need to use social media to leverage our career

but i dont want to

social media sucks you in & never spits you out

you never walk the same again

you never have the same spark again

i want the music to speak for itself

i want the shows to speak for themselves

i want the humans that we are to shine through

i dont wanna promote shit

it takes all the humanity out of the art

[is art all the humanity we have left?]

posting to social media feels like it dilutes something

im not sure what exactly it dilutes

but i feel diluted

***

i dont want to be seen

i want to be felt

***

i've spent my whole god damn life yearning for the spotlight

endlessly craving people's attention

thinking it would fill the void inside of me

but the void is just that, a void

it cant be filled with arbitrary shit

i suppose im chasing the feeling of being understood

i look in the mirror & immediately look away

i hate what i see

[when did i become so afraid of the mirror?]

i never watch the videos of the shows back

i never relive the performances

thats much too meta for me

i want to live in that moment

creating moments isn't as easy as you'd think

social media endlessly tries to remind me that the shows happened & have been captured forever

social media reminds me that i am being perceived

i hate having to cope with the fact that i am being perceived

the spotlight really isn't all its made out to be

i had to obtain the spotlight in order to understand that i don't want it

im grateful for it

but it doesnt fill my cup in the way that i thought it would

& thats okay

thats living & learning

i love being on stage

but i also love being in the sun

i love the adrenaline of the shows

but i also love a nice cup of coffee

hot or iced, it doesn't matter much to me

life is about the simple pleasures, i've come to understand & respect

the doors open in 33 minutes

its quiet in the venue right now

im not gonna miss the quiet

i want the screams & the smiles & the eyes

the grind is endless & i want more of it

im gonna miss tour when it ends

the grass is always greener, i suppose

& maybe it was just the sun this morning

or the cold brew i devoured an hour ago

or the southern charm of everyone i meet here in texas

but im gonna miss this shit when its gone

im gonna miss the endless dance

im surprised to be saying this, but i dont want the music to stop

***

since forever,

sky