tourbraindump8
25 min flow timer
february 1, 2024
dallas, texas
tourbraindump8
***
i finally touched the sun today
i woke up in a dark hotel room & when i opened the curtain, i felt a rush of ecstasy
i couldn't believe the sun was out & there weren't any clouds in the sky
its moments like this that i miss texas
its moments like this that make me love tour
i stood out in the sun with 2 friends for an hour & a half
it was the best hour & a half of the whole tour
the sun feels better than any cup of coffee
it woke me right up
it rejuvinated me
it made me feel alive again
[growing up, i always took the sun for granted]
i never went outside.
why did i think sitting in my room was the route to happiness?
how could i have been so foolish?
we just got done with soundcheck
this is the first time im doing a tourbraindump from inside the venue
we're in dallas
gonna be another hot packed room tonight
im in love with the hot packed rooms
they've grown more & more on me in the past few weeks
i love being the sweatiest person in the room
if anyone in the crowd is ever sweatier than me, i know they fucking care
its a wonderful thing to witness
someone letting out all their frustrations in a warm room full of warm strangers
i hope everyone in the crowd knows nobody is looking at them
i used to always feel so insecure in a crowd
i always thought everyone was looking at me & judging me
when in reality no one even knew i was there
no one ever knows im there
i love the anonymous feeling of being in a crowd
being electrified by the crowds energy
getting lost in something that isn't a timeline on a phone
the real world is real
the real world also makes me feel like an npc.
people are so fascinating
everyone existing all at the same time
the next 3 shows are all in texas
dallas
austin
houston
the tour is flying by
time isn't even real, but i love paying attention to it
i've spent so much time wasting time, that being on tour finally makes me feel like im actually living a real fucking life
even the smallest moments are still moments
everything becomes something
everything is happening, whether for a reason or not
i never take the sun for granted anymore
i dont wanna take my life for granted
i dont wanna ignore time for the sake of feeling free
whether you look at the clock or not, it's still ticking
& thats also what tour feels like
whether you enjoy it or not, you're still stuck in it
[might as well enjoy where you are, right?]
doing these tourbraindumps have really freed me from my mind
it takes all the bullshit spew that goes on in [my] brain & makes it make a little more sense
i keep rereading all these tourbraindumps
it almost acts as a timeline for me, in a way
i never look at a timeline, anymore
i never check peoples stories
i almost never respond to dms
im scared of social media & all the time its stolen from me
we're in an industry where we need to use social media to leverage our career
but i dont want to
social media sucks you in & never spits you out
you never walk the same again
you never have the same spark again
i want the music to speak for itself
i want the shows to speak for themselves
i want the humans that we are to shine through
i dont wanna promote shit
it takes all the humanity out of the art
[is art all the humanity we have left?]
posting to social media feels like it dilutes something
im not sure what exactly it dilutes
but i feel diluted
***
i dont want to be seen
i want to be felt
***
i've spent my whole god damn life yearning for the spotlight
endlessly craving people's attention
thinking it would fill the void inside of me
but the void is just that, a void
it cant be filled with arbitrary shit
i suppose im chasing the feeling of being understood
i look in the mirror & immediately look away
i hate what i see
[when did i become so afraid of the mirror?]
i never watch the videos of the shows back
i never relive the performances
thats much too meta for me
i want to live in that moment
creating moments isn't as easy as you'd think
social media endlessly tries to remind me that the shows happened & have been captured forever
social media reminds me that i am being perceived
i hate having to cope with the fact that i am being perceived
the spotlight really isn't all its made out to be
i had to obtain the spotlight in order to understand that i don't want it
im grateful for it
but it doesnt fill my cup in the way that i thought it would
& thats okay
thats living & learning
i love being on stage
but i also love being in the sun
i love the adrenaline of the shows
but i also love a nice cup of coffee
hot or iced, it doesn't matter much to me
life is about the simple pleasures, i've come to understand & respect
the doors open in 33 minutes
its quiet in the venue right now
im not gonna miss the quiet
i want the screams & the smiles & the eyes
the grind is endless & i want more of it
im gonna miss tour when it ends
the grass is always greener, i suppose
& maybe it was just the sun this morning
or the cold brew i devoured an hour ago
or the southern charm of everyone i meet here in texas
but im gonna miss this shit when its gone
im gonna miss the endless dance
im surprised to be saying this, but i dont want the music to stop
***
since forever,
sky


☀️🌞❤️ Sky, I wish someone as beautiful as you didn't hate what they see🪞
It has been so beautiful watching you grow in the years that I have known you. Forever and ever proud of you bb 🫶 keep being the sweatiest mofo in the building.