tourbraindump9

25 min flow timer

february 2, 2024

dallas to austin

tourbraindump9

***

it's 2:07am

im sitting in an empty hotel lobby

typing these words on my macbook

in my notes app

i have my journal on the table

with a pen attached to it

i have noise cancelling headphones on

with [cottagecore ambience] playing to make [my] brain feel like its outside in nature [lol]

on tour, you have to create your own bedroom

you have to find pockets of solitude & work

im exhausted, but also exhilarated from the show tonight

when you manage to have any extra energy on tour, you have to seize the moment while you can

i never remember my dreams anymore

it makes me sad

***

i closed the laptop last night

i never finished the thought

i never finished the tourbraindump

i didn't feel the need to

[i didn't feel like i had anything left to say]

[my] brain was too fried from the day i had just endured

i like it when i listen to [my] brain & do what it wants me to do

like the feeling you get when you're thirsty & you obey

it's time to drink some water, sky

i think thats one of the most underrated aspects of the human experience

being in tune with your brain & body

listening to one another

paying attention to each other's needs

there's still 21 minutes & 14 seconds left on the flow timer i started last night in that hotel lobby

it's 1:44pm now

we're all in the bus again

i got a large cold brew & an acai bowl for breakfast/lunch

we're headed to austin, tx

i grew up going to concerts in austin

i saw all the bands that made me into who i am, in that city

i feel lucky having grown up an hour away from that city

not too close

not too far

close enough to go whenever i wanted,

but far enough to never be overwhelmed by any sense of fomo, either

during the first week of tour, we had a few off days in new york city

it was the first time i finally fell in love with that city

the city energized me

all the brains walking around, occupying themselves

filling up their time

but what i dont love about the idea of [city life] is that odd sense of fomo it makes me feel

the fear of missing out

[aren't we always technically missing out?]

do we have that fear for no practical reason?

do we do anything for any practical reason?

death makes us want to utilize our time more wisely

but death is also so vague that it cant completely pick me up off my ass & get me to work all the time

the big city felt like it could & would pick me up off my ass & make me work all the time

& i felt very confused by that

because although i want to feel that, i like living in peace

not that i dont think you can find pockets of peace in a big city

but its not the same kind of peace

because there feels like there would be this endless temptation pulling at me

the temptation of being able to walk right outside your home & have the world right there in front of you

a plate of oreos, always sitting on the kitchen table

maybe it sounds odd to me because im a [suburb kid]

i never knew a hustle & bustle kind of lifestyle

***

the dallas show was so fun

a lot of familiar faces & a lot of new ones

one foot in the familiar world & one foot in the new world

its like showing up to the first day of class & seeing one familiar face in the classroom

you know the semester's gonna be okay

you feel a little more at home

thats what the room in dallas felt like last night

so many strangers all becoming our new friends

a whole semester condensed down into an hour & a half set

it doesnt even feel like im performing anymore

it just feels like im partying

im really trying to listen to the music & feel what they are feeling

to hear what they are hearing

when making music, you get so numb to it at some point, because you hear it 1,000 times in the studio while creating it, then you hear it every night while on the road

but im trying to un-numb myself

im trying to re-listen to the lyrics

trying to hear what the crowd hears

all in the hope of feeling something fresh to lyrics i wrote years ago

the songs are time capsules

i am growing & changing, but the songs stay frozen in time

the songs stay young forever

maybe thats where the disconnect comes from

its like endlessly re-living memories that you got off your chest years ago

that you tried to forget years ago

it's like telling a therapist the same story over & over again

[when do we grow?]

maybe it's because the band name isn't my legal name

it makes me feel detached from the stories in the songs

even though they're my stories

just under a different alias

maybe thats where [my] brain gets confused

my real name is skyler molina

most people call me sky

or mickey

i like sky

its easy & pure

besides the trees, the sky is my favorite part of this world

maybe im biased

[aren't we all, though?]

***

there's only a few minutes left on the timer

we're 121 miles away from austin, tx

i know at the show tomorrow, there will be young people in the crowd that are living through the moments i used to live through.

they're going to endless concerts in austin, tx just like i did when i was in high school

but now, im not in the crowd anymore

its finally my turn to be on stage

to try & make a lasting impact on them, like the bands i saw had made on me

i hope i do the youth justice

i hope i can make them feel a little less alone

because thats what they do for me

they remind me that i was young once too

so full of life & despair

they're not numb to the songs yet

these moments mean everything to them

i hope i don't let them down

***

since forever,

sky